I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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