I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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