I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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