don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
