Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
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his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
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I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket