I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
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and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
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someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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