Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
