I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
