Sorry, I don't speak sober.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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