We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
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Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
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I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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