I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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