What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
