At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷ðŸ»â€â™€ï¸
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