Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
