why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
