I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
