I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
