My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
