I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
