He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
