hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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