I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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