YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I think my moral compass just broke
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
