I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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