My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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