I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
