My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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