the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
