If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
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I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
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I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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