why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
She is in my trunk
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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