meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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