please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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