it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
