I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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