I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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