I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
