im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
