this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
