he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
