I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
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Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
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Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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