When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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