theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
