and my herpes radar will keep us safe
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
