Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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