The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
A+ Viking dick
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
