How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
