The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
