Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
