My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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