I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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