remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
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