My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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