I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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