She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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