if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
