I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
my being single is dangerous.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I want her autograph on my taint
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
