i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
