You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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