sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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