I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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